I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
