Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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