Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
