I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
