Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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