So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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