i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
