Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
