im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
