i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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