I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
