You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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