thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
