I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
