if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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