whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
