Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
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I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
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Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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