all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
