Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
