she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
