whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
