Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
