If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
