Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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