Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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