u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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