So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I won the penis lottery.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
