i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
