Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
