I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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