I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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