His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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