I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
