Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
