how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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