I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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