If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
