if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
