Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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