I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
