I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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