remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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