what day is it and did you see me today?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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