how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
