Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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