theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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