just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
