I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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