I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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