my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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