My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
