This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
