I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
