if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
