my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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