2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
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Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
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I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Come on in and take your pants off
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