omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
