I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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