I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
