i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
