The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
