Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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