i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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